I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
