At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
