finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
