You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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