Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
