I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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