He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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