Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
