I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
