i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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