i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
