1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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