is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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