Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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