You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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