why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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