He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize