You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize