He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
