You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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