I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
