So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
