Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
