I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
