It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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