At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
