i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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