I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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