4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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