I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
