I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
