My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
