How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
