My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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