I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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