Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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