Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
