I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
