omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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