Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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