why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
