what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
