there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
