apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
