I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
