You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
