sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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