girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
