I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
