She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
