I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize