If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this just has baby written all over it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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