did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
