there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
