I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
