girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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